After last year’s unreal comeback win over the Falcons in Super Bowl LI, it was thought by most Boston fans that there was literally nothing left to prove.
We were the best. We are the best, and we’ll always be the best. And truth be told, all the winning was starting to get just a little bit boring.
But this current Patriots season has sucked us all right back in again. Winning this much has – come to find out – not gotten old at all. That said, in Boston we were in need of some sort of fresh storyline to keep things interesting.
We already beat Philly in a Super Bowl, but I guess this will do. Crushing the championship dreams of Eagles fans (widely regarded as the most loathsome fan base on planet Earth … even ahead of Jets fans) is about as good as it gets.
Here’s a reminder of what we’ll be up against this week, and also why Boston vs. Philly is a clear blowout in favor of the Hub.
The people of Philly
They are T-A-C-K-Y. They’re the type of people who hang blue lights on their houses at Christmas time, the type of people who have Mickey Mouse, Winnie the Pooh (and Tigger, too!) stuffed animals in their kitchens, and the type of people who have 75-person pool parties in an above-ground pool during the summertime.
None of them look like Rocky from the movie, “Rocky.” Most of them look like Paulie from the movie, “Rocky.”
They are the first to pat themselves on the back after even the tiniest of accomplishments.
And their food of choice (cheesesteak) is more likely to give you a heart attack than anything Donald Trump eats for dinner.
Massachusetts, meanwhile, was ranked the heathiest state in America this past December by America’s Health Rankings and Pennsylvania didn’t even crack the top 25 (don’t you go blaming Pittsburgh, Philly!).
Philly – unlike Boston – still has a major inferiority complex to New York. We started kicking New York’s ass in sports long ago, we have better beer, we have major companies like GE flocking here, have buildings popping up left and right in the Seaport District and are second only San Francisco in terms of the country’s best tech city. Meanwhile, Philly people still use transistor radios, and take all of their cues from the local 6 p.m. TV news. They are a good 25 years behind Boston in terms of basically everything.
Education
Harvard vs. Penn? Harvard.
BC vs. Villanova? BC.
BU vs. Temple? BU.
Northeastern vs. St. Joe’s? Northeastern.
If I threw MIT in here, it’d start getting embarrassing.
Beaches
Their beaches are cool (just minutes from the Jersey Shore!) if you enjoy laying down to tan on a beach blanket only to have a used syringe stick in your spine.
There is a reason why New Yorkers go North for the summer … we take all of New York’s money up here and allow them to use our sparkling beaches for a week.
Stick a Philadelphian on Nantucket for 10 minutes and they would think they’re on a different planet.
Sports
Well, this is an easy one, and the one we’re most interested in this coming week.
In terms of looks, our quarterback would make George Clooney blush. Your quarterback (Nick Foles) is a doppleganger for Napoleon Dynamite … no, no – let’s just go straight to the championship count.
The Celtics (17), Red Sox (8), Bruins (6) and Patriots (5) have combined for 36 World Championships in their histories.
The Flyers (2), Sixers (3) Phillies (2) and Eagles (0) have combined for seven World Championships in their histories. That is quite the blowout, folks.
Because we’re embarrassed for you, Philly, we’ll give you the three old NFL titles (pre-Super Bowl era) you won before the forward pass was invented. But that’s still a grand total of 36-10, Boston – nearly quadruple.
In recent years, it’s been even more embarrassing for Philly and an embarrassment of riches for Boston. Since 2000, the Patriots have won it all five times, the Red Sox have won it three times and the Bruins and Celtics have each won once. Since the turn of the Century, Philly has only won one championship (2008 Phillies).
Getting to the Super Bowl has become routine for us here but really, congrats on making it this far guys. Seriously, that’s swell.
If by some miracle your Eagles are able to dethrone the Pats this Sunday – we’ll completely understand if you burn your city down. After all, it’ll be a distinct improvement from what Philly currently looks like.
Show your colors
Not only do Philly’s sports teams suck, but the uniforms they wear are disgusting to look at as well. That burnt orange that the Flyers wear? Yuck.
