It’s been one week, and the Phillies are making me miss the ’90s

It only took one week for the Phillies to fall below .500.

It only took one week for one of Philadephia’s former top prospects to scorn the city and be welcomed back to thunderous applause and novel t-shirts.

One week and I’m charmingly depressed.

Like Pearl Jam or Blink-182, I’m not sure if I’m despondent or just look good pretending. And like the pre-grunge of your pre-teens, the Philadelphia Phillies are a group built for the ’90s.

From their pure power to their ability to send fans into a middle-school level tirade, the only thing that has changed is your mixtapes are now live on Spotify, and a tiny bluebird has replaced your private journal.

With that in mind, let’s spiral together as we overreact to all the horrible things we witnessed throughout Opening Week with the Philadelphia Phillies.

Aaron’s song

Through two starts, your biggest fears have been realized. You’re not the frontman your mother said you were, and Aaron Nola has an HR/9 of 2.9.

Things looked promising as the Phillies welcomed the paltry Oakland Athletics on Opening Day, but Nola overstayed his welcome. His foray into the seventh inning resulted in an additional homer and three runs to end an impressive start to 2022.

Two starts this time, to the left, and it seems the former first-round pick has seen better days. Nola cannot limit the long ball, and quite frankly, that’s the only thing holding him back. He doesn’t walk batters and strikes them out at a 10.1 K/9 clip for his career.

He has all the makings of an ace, but he needs to get ahold of this long ball problem before the bottom drops out.

Save a single Kyle Gibson outing, and several impressive innings from the Corey Knebel/Brad Hand combination, Phillies’ pitching has been nothing if not unspectacular. Zach Elfin just put the cherry on top of a ‘meh’ week.

Nola isn’t a ‘nice to have;’ he’s a necessity.

It’s been one week, and we’re still learning to smile

When you wait patiently to see your favorite band play your favorite song only to play their new album, you can’t help but miss the hits. That’s been the case for Kyle Schwarber, Nick Castellanos and Bryce Harper.

We’ve been waiting on a combination of over 100 homers between the three Phils; however, through one week, we’ve only had four total. The expectation was impossibly high, especially for the new kids on the block, so it’s easy to ignore all the upside.

Despite the lack of ‘bell ringings,‘ the Phillies still lead the MLB in doubles, with 19 of them through eight games, the banditos mentioned above accounting for seven of them.

The long ball will come. In the meantime, the entire club is making contact and taking their pitches (24 walks which is tied 6th best in the NL). The Phillies could do worse than the 8th best OPS in the MLB, but it’s just coming from surprising places.

Jean Segura ties the team lead in home runs (2), and his OPS (1.186) ranks best as Alec Bohm lacks the PAs thus far. Johan Camargo is tied for third-most (6) hits on the roster. This isn’t what we thought they’d do.

Just wait until they all get warmed up. Statues will crumble.

Cut my life into pieces; this is my last ‘retort’

I’m glad we’re laughing at Bohm’s on-the-field comments, but the Phillies’ defense has predictably been a major issue out of the gate.

Six total team errors, three from Bohm, are tied for second-worst in the MLB. That’s a low feeling, and I understand why Bohm said what he did. You know you’re making things worse; sometimes, you don’t need your parents reminding you.

Third-base will continue to be an issue for this team as they rotate through Bohm, Camargo and Bryson Stott. A trio that, if combined into one super player, would likely be your next NL MVP.

We will continue to dream, but in the meantime, you’re welcome for the clickbait because, like an angsty teenager, deep down, I know everything’s going to be alright.

Photo By: Cody Glenn/Icon Sportswire