Worst of Craigslist Weekend Edition: Your Band Sucks

Shitty bands find a home on Craigslist, a haven where they are not total rejects because there is (almost) always someone comparably bad or worse than them.

But that doesn’t change the fact that they suck. And, residing in the insular world of Internet message boards, they often don’t know that they suck, which makes their attempts at self-promotion and peer collaboration even more hilarious.

Also, random weekend-ness, like a man who might’ve accidentally stole your hat, China besting us with cheap, efficient labor in yet another job field and someone trying to make a quick buck off a dead guy’s domain name.

Nothing too out of the ordinary, right?

Because nothing says “sophisticated” like assless chaps.

Brian Clement also writes his Craigslist ads in the third person.

Is someone in Lansdale adopting Craigslist pets to use as bait? Or is someone in Philly an animal-rights-crazed conspiracy theorist? I actually think the two are equally likely.

I don’t usually buy the I-stole-it-by-accident excuse, but this guy sounds so genuinely sorry.

High-quality, $7.50-per-hour, verified childcare specialists that teach Mandarin and make origami? This is why China is kicking our ass.

Because if you cover songs that other cover bands don’t cover, that makes you original. Right?

How does a music ad end up sounding like a roundabout invitation to an orgy?

I mean, this guy just comes out and says it.

Because uprooting your life to sing at some hotel in China is WAY more convenient than doing your own cooking, cleaning and laundry. I saw this on an episode of Law & Order, and it did NOT end well.

And drugs that fuel guns to shoot food at reckless drinking girls with weights on dirtbikes at dangerous sex and drug parties … wait, instruments? What?

Nothing says RAGER like a PIANIST!

If I were in a band, I would love for my singer to be a curmudgeonly ghost who gives regular treatises on the definition of “band.”

No.

Are you performing in English, though? Because something tells me that would be a stretch.

Because moving from New York to Philly to get into the music business after finding out that there really is no U.S. market for jazzy ballad singers is NOT AT ALL A STEP BACKWARD AND I CAN TOTALLY DO THIS, GUYS!!

Huh. Google tells me Math Rock is actually a genre. I thought it was a collection of Schoolhouse Rock covers from the multiplication season.

Wow, “sadcore” is also a genre and it’s separate from (and presumably “sadder” than) emo? I’m glad I don’t write for a music blog anymore.

“Steel drum player” sounds like a terrific recession-proof job choice.

Well, you know what they say: once you’ve played the worship circuit, it’s all downhill from there.

A) If you can’t even write a coherent ad, how do you write such amazing songs? B) The intensity of Tool + the soulfulness of Pearl Jam=douche. 90s douche.

Judging by the terms “happenin'” and “doper,” I would estimate you to be between the ages of 60 and 75.

I don’t think your “sexy raw nastiness” or “creepy vocals” will be endearing to anyone but possibly the hearing impaired (and that’s if you have a hot band member in there somewhere).

Is this ad for a practice studio or a hooker hotel? And is there a difference?

Chamber music + noise=DREAMESQUE. Got it. Worst combination of nouns ever, but got it.

Dude, too soon. And fucking creepy in general.