Glen Macnow builds his ‘Philly Sports Frankenstein’

What if we could create the perfect athlete, using the attributes of those who’ve passed through town in the past 25 years? Here’s my Philadelphia Frankenstein:

Left arm—Cole Hamels:Almost 2,000 quality innings over 10 seasons. Second only to Steve Carlton as the franchise’s top lefty.

Right arm— Randall Cunningham:The release was way too slow. But, given time, he could hit Mike Quick 60 yards downfield.

Hands —Jimmy Rollins: Averaged just eight errors a season, and earned four Gold Gloves, during the Phils great run.

Fists—Bernard Hopkins:He’s more of a technician than a brawler, but I still can’t think of anyone I’d less rather have punch me.

Knuckles — Donald Brashear: The last fearsome fighter in orange-and-black. Remember Tie Domi hiding behind the linesman?

Fingers —​ Dikembe Mutombo: We all imitated the finger waggle. The guy’s digits resembled yardsticks.

Wrists — Chase Utley:He’s shot now, but in his prime he could flick those wrists and drive the ball out of the park. Especially Shea Stadium.

Hair —Nerlens Noel: He’s 6-foot-11, and the flattop makes him about 7-foot-4. Nice tribute to Fresh Prince.

Eyes —Brian Westbrook:The little guy could find a hole the size of the eye of a needle among all those 300-pound linemen.

Nose —Rod Brind’ Amour:That thing bent in six different directions. Still, women loved him.

Mustache —Andy Reid:That big red paintbrush.

Beard — Jayson Werth:Not enough competition in this department. Werth really let it go that one year he tried out for ZZ Top.

Mouth — Curt Schilling:Sometimes incisive, sometimes inane. Never boring.

Brains —Chip Kelly: The proverbial smartest guy in the room. And all you Sam Hinkie sycophants can sit down.

Abs —Terrell Owens:Those crunches in the driveway weren’t for nothing.

Belly —Ken Hitchcock:A smart coach whom players cited as an example that not all fat men are jolly.

Rear End —Jaromir Jagr:All that skating power derived from those glutes. I’ll always wish he’d stayed here longer.

Left leg — David Akers.

Right leg —Cody Parkey. Or Heather Mitts.

Feet —Lesean McCoy:Changed direction better than anyone since Barry Sanders. Sorry to see it end ugly.

Forelocks —Smarty Jones:I’m not really sure what a forelock is, to be honest.

Thighs —Roy Halladay:It was his great push off the mound that made him perfect.

Ears —Donovan McNabb: He heard every word of criticism, even when whispered.

Jaw —Eric Lindros:Not really. I just wanted to get him on this list. Alas, his jaw was made of glass. The ultimate “what could have been” in Philadelphia sports.

Heart —Brian Dawkins:Give him the nod for soul, as well.

Pituitary Gland —Shawn Bradley:If he only had a heart.

Balls —Allen Iverson:Would drive into the land of seven-footers to put up a feathery layup, take a huge hit and then do it again.

Spleen —Larry Bowa: Tamer now, but, man he could spit venom.

Asshole— Norman Braman:Enough said.