Worst of Craigslist Weekend: Missed Connection with Sanity

Craigslist’s missed connections section is the best after a long weekend. When you read the postings, you can practically smell sticky floors, stale smoke, last night’s beer and a huge whiff of desperation.

The best ones are weird, crass and get straight to the point in a tone deaf way only a true Philadelphian can.

This pretty much sums up Front and Somerset in one sentence. One awesome sentence.

It’s romantic: ever since she seen him at that PLACE, she wanted to be Kissing him while On His Lap Facing Him.

If you try not to rhyme so much of the time, your ode to sports may elicit fewer snorts. Plainly put: this poem sucks worse than the Eagles played yesterday. See how much better that sounds when I write it in prose?

This would actually be somewhat normal … if it were written by a 15-year-old girl. oxox

At least someone got humped.

Umm … condolences?

I didn’t know Silk City held eighth-grade dances.

And the self-groping actually attracted you?

Starting a post with race and body hair as sole descriptors is probably not the best way to woo a gal.

Smooth move #2: compare her to food.

Okay, if you get to 4), you’re a stalker.

Did she then break into an dancepop version of the passion play reinterpreted American bike gang-style?

Posts that start with “just sayin'” are always awkward. And dumb.

Ditto for those written entirely in caps.

WTF. Usually I can think of something more, but that’s pretty much it on this one.

I am a totally normal person EXCEPT FOR WHEN I START THINKING ABOUT SEX OR TALKING ABOUT SEX OR …. xxxxxxxxxxxxx

At least he’s honest?

A: Agree with you – that shirt, and most likely its wearer, is nasty. B: The express purpose of the shirt is to piss people like you off. And you were pissed, so much so that you had to vent on the internet, so C: Mission accomplished.

Just say it: no fat chicks. No one will think any less of your unfinished masters, non-mansion house or self-proclaimed eight-inch schlong. Except for fat chicks, I guess.

Way not to put all your baggage out there from the get. Wouldn’t want to scare her away or anything.

I didn’t know Snooki had a sister … or hung out in New Hope.

Quite a combo.

Never knew the ER could be such a romantic hotspot. Guess I was always too busy, I don’t know, being sick or something.

Let’s play a game. Who’s more likely to cause a car accident, the man smoking a bowl behind the wheel, or the man stopping suddenly to watch the man smoking a bowl behind the wheel?

Newsflash: you are gay – or at the very least, bisexual. I mean, getting turned on by a man and then seeking him out online doesn’t even make you question?

Okay, enough with the boutique breeds already. This dog sounds like something I coughed up yesterday morning.

MATT, YOU WOULDN’T NEED SO MANY DONATIONS …

… IF YOU DIDN’T TAKE IN EVERY FUCKING ANIMAL DUMPED ON YOU.