Meet the replacements, they’re horrible

It seems so obvious, yet it’s been so overlooked. The NFL and its officials are mired in a heated labor strike. Maybe we never realized just how important the zebras are to the game — just throw Division III and former Lingerie Football League guys in there and start me up, right?

Wrong. NFL officials are highly trained — see Ed Hochuli’s guns — and that was apparent in five painful preseason games Thursday, all officiated by replacement refs.

Deadspin does a great job of breaking down the footage.

Yes, a ref really did rule a touchback on a punt that was caught at the 5-yard line. In the Atlanta-Baltimore game, one ref kept referring to Atlanta as Arizona. In our game — Eagles vs. Steelers — we had a string of small, annoying mistakes. When Andy Reid challenged a third-down play, thinking Ben Roethlisberger had crossed the line of scrimmage, he chirped, “Philadelphia is challenging that it’s a fourth down.” Technically true, but that’s not the proper call.

They also struggled to control the volume on their mics all night, shattering eardrums throughout the stadium and press box. The biggest blunder came when they ruled a clearly in-bounds Eagles receiver out of bounds on a 44-yard TD. Luckily, the call was reversed. Still, the Eagles were forced to use a challenge.

It could be a long, long season if the real refs don’t come back. That, or the basis for a great sequel movie starring Keanu Reeves as a former college official who falls in love with the captain of the cheerleading team. Admit it, you would watch that.

Refuting the no sex before fighting myth

Sorry we’re just getting around to this now, but it’s worth it.

Ronda Rousey, a bantamweight champion in Strikeforce, recently told Conan O’Brien that, contrary to the abstinence myth, she actually prefers to have sex before fights.

Remember, that classic scene in “Raging Bull,” when Robert DeNiro starts to get lathered up, then dumps ice down his pants? Myth. Will Smith turning down coitus before The Rumble in the Jungle. Myth. Us, not bumping uglies before writing this … we digress.

Wrong time to go No. 1

What do you do when your son of a super-rich, ultra-famous NASCAR racing team owner? Naturally you channel your inner R Kelly and go out partying/urinating on women. Jay Penske and his brother, Mark, were arrested early Thursday morning in Nantucket after two women spotted them peeing in a parking lot. If only it ended there. The Penskes “turned and continued to urinate on her boots.”

This obviously lays to rest the much-asked question about NASCAR drivers doing No. 1 in their cars. Not only do they do it, they keep a pair of pumps in the passenger seat to serve as an overflow tank.